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novembre 21st

Everything is about Sinterklaas now. Merel talks about it all the time and is so enthousiastic. Thats makes me have more fun somtimes then her.
So her shoe is at the fireplace (thats where he drops the presents in) and she is waiting anxiously.

Summer is 4 months old now. If you look back in those 4 months it all seems ages ago. Her drinking is still bad but she's still very happy and still is growing well.

a ribbon in my hair, nice hey?

So its paecefull in the house, the time that all emotions can flow without something to push them away. The last 2 days something is eating me, unrest, a feeling like 'what will happen in the future'.
I notice that the confrontation with Downies on TV hurt me, I usually zap to another channel.
So have I not come to terms with it yet? I don't know. Thats the future and thats to far away. So I dont want to see that image just yet.
The forst signs of coming to terms with it are showing now, the first tears since a couple of weeks. And thats normal, i've seen it enough in my job.. But live is somewhat darker at this moments.
And when that little girl lies on your lap and look at you with those big blue eyes and smiles at you with the most beautifull smile, you just dont know anymore and ask 'WHY?'.

Sometimes you cant be strong, you dont wanna be strong.
And you feel the hurt.
Deep within you.

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Copyright 2001 Rob Breedeveld